Halo: Uber Fail Evolved
by Lycan91
Summary: A series of Halo shorts where the characters fail Horribly. Rated M for Violence, Language and suggestive themes.


Fail! (Halo Style)

Hey everyone this is my first fanfic so criticism would really help me make better ones.

This is after halo 3 except Keyes and Johnson live And Chief isn't trapped.

And in the words of Church "Shut up Caboose!"

In orbit above earth

The Master Chief was walking around on the Cairo in the weapons room talking with the Arbiter and Johnson

Master Chief: Why the hell are we just sitting around we should be at a bar getting stone faced fucking drunk.

Johnson: I have to agree with the chief what about you split face?

Arbiter: I too agree with the demon

MC: Stop calling me the fucking demon you lousy ass S.O.B.

Arbiter: I apologize Spartan I did not realize it annoyed you

Johnson: Oh shut up (gets hit in the head by 343 Guilty Spark) God Damn it Tinkerbelle I'm gunna blow you up once and for all

Johnson, Arbiter, and the Master Chief strap Guilty Spark to a bomb and activate it for 5 hours figuring that this will give them enough time to get drunk and throw sparks off the station

MC: Let's go get drunk

Arbiter and Johnson: Hell Yeah!

(Three hours later the trio stumbles out of the bar drunk as hell before an attack alarm goes off)

MC: muther fuck what's that noise

Commander Keyes runs up

CK: Chief what the hell Earth is under attack we've got to get down there now come on Johnson, Arbiter

As they drop down to the planet the three friends yell out in a drunken stupor

MC, A, J: WWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

After landing Keyes watch as the three friends puke themselves silly

MK: You idiots maybe next time you won't drink so much

MC, A, J: Oh just let us die in peace

MK: Alright I'll just let the brutes headed towards this cliff play with you

Keyes runs off in direction of the escape pelican

Johnson: Hey lets reenact 300

MC, Arbiter: OKAY!

Johnson positions Arbiter and Chief on the edge of the cliff

Arbiter comes out of his drunken stupor and realizes what is happening the chief on the other hand is still drunk

Arbiter: This is Bull shit!

Master Chief: Bull Shit, This Is HALO (badass kicks Arbiter off a cliff)

(Arbiter Falls to Death) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

(Impacts) Splat!!! Hark, Blah

Johnson: OMGWTF this is the song that never ends (MACHINE GUN FIRE) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Johnson: I've been shot goodbye cruel world and farewell. Hark blah. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Johnson: Brains! Brains! This is the song that never ends! (Master Chief screams die zombie and shoots Johnson and Arbiter) Hurk Blah.

MC: Jimmy Buffet rules!

Cortana: Chief that was really stupid you just killed our only backup and our ride now wants to kill us.

MC: OOPS Run Away! (MC Screams like a little girl and runs off)

Cortana: Dumbass!

MC: Hey don't contradict me you can't do any better.

Cortana: Oh shut up and run

MC: I bet you would look good as a human.

C: You know it!

MC: And of course you would date me I mean you know me better than any other person in this world.

C: Maybe but you would have to stop being so superficial.

MC: Fine But Only Because You're Hot!

C: And that would be superficial!

MC: Don't Cock block me!

C: Perv!

MC: Hey Look There's Miranda Keyes Must Chase!

C: Damnit Chief Quit that you Whack job!

Miranda Keyes: Get the hell away Chief!

MC: Hell No Your Hot!

MK&C: PERVERT!!!

MC: Don't CockBlock Me!

MK: I Will if you don't save us you fucktard!

MC: Fine but You know my price!

MK: Yes I do you Perv!

MC: Hey you still like it and you can't lie about that!

MK: Well yeah you're right but you just save us first!

MC: Fine (Fires Assault Rifle)

MC: All Clear lets get back to Cairo Station!

MK: Fine My room our yours?

MC: Yours definitely yours!

MK: See you in an hour

MC: You Bet!

1 hour later

MC: You know Cortana you don't have to watch!

C: I want to so deal with it!

MC: Fine but no making jokes like the last time!

C: What I didn't do anything!

MC: Oh so which computer program did the perverted slobbering noises come from?

C: I don't know but it wasn't me!

MC: Yeah Cortana you really suck at lying!

(Elevator Stops)

MC: Well here we are!

Door opens to reveal Miranda Keyes in silk Lingerie

Chief's mind goes into overdrive and can't stop thinking about her luscious lips, large perky breasts, or nice tight ass.

Miranda Keyes: Hello Chief how are you!

MC: Fine (wipes hand under nose to stop massive blood loss)

MK: Good well come on inside sweetheart!

MC: GIGITY GIGITY GOO ALL RIGHT!

MK: That was retarded!

MC: Yeah that was. Sorry!

MK: That's okay you're still all mine!

MC: You know it honey.

MK: Well come in

(45 minutes later the two are lying next to each other panting from exhaustion and sweating profusely from their passionate round of hardcore sex)

MC: ok hey do you hear beeping

MK: wait Beeping ... Chief you idiot you didn't disarm the bomb!

MC: SON OF A...

MK&C: I hate you!

Base explodes killing everyone

Shipmaster pops up and screams "FAIL!"

Shipmaster then dies of decompression

THE END


End file.
